(At a family get together)

Clay: I have an announcement, it pertains to everyone.

Clay’s Girlfriend: You’re gay?

Clay’s Girlfriend: Like, you know, white babies are born crying and Asian babies are born saying, “HERRO!”

Clay’s Girlfriend: Why the hell does he want to raise cattle?

Clay: Because cows are worth a lot of money.

Clay’s Girlfriend: So are prostitues, does he want them grazing in his yard, too?

Clay: I’m going to the store,need anything, babe?

Clay’s Girlfriend: Fabreeze. I’m tired of that burnt flesh smell that comes about when I burn one of those dead hookers.

Clay’s Girlfriend: Is compulsive eating the only talent you possess?

Friend: A real cowboy just came to the store!

Clay’s Girlfriend: Good thing you look just like a cow!

Clay: It said that there’s like 4 hostages on that yacht.

Clay’s Girlfriend: This is America. If we aren’t hijacking planes we’re getting on hijacked yachts. It’s our way of life.

(We ate lunch together, she got there before I did and already had a table, drinks, etc.)

Waitress: Do you need more silverware?

Clay’s Girlfriend: Nah, we’re going to share the same fork.

Clay’s Girlfriend: Oh my God, look at her.

Clay: You should stop judging people.

Clay’s Girlfriend: Well, she shouldn’t be weird in public if she doesn’t want my opinion.

Clay’s Girlfriend: You start one major genocide and suddenly you’re a Jew killing bastard. Society these days.

Clay: We can take your car.

Clay’s Girlfriend: It’s out of gas.

Clay: Then what are we going to take?

Clay’s Girlfriend: Find two poles then put a box on them. Put me in the box and carry me in the box with the poles on your shoulders.

Her Friend: Well, you’ll do good. You worked your butt off.

Clay’s Girlfriend: Maybe you should start working yours off. Those pounds are only going to lose themselves by getting lost, trapped, and dying in your fat rolls.

Clay: (upon getting home from work) Did I get any mail, babe?

Clay’s Girlfriend: Nothing I haven’t read already.

(We were watching a show on TV about Armageddon and such)

Clay’s Girlfriend: What if the Seven Seals are actually just paper clips that fall off and God has to descend to look for them?

Clay: Then we’d be fucked?

Clay’s Girlfriend: No, it would mean that all along we feared the end of the world when really the end of the world is just a hard core search for paper clips.

Clay’s Girlfriend: So I was cleaning the house and it turns out we have more copies of Mein Kampf than religious objects in our home.

Clay’s Girlfriend: Driving down the road in a totally fucked up Ford. Hydroplaning over the puddles we go screaming “oh my God!” .

Clay’s Girlfriend: I used to think that Mexico was a Jewish country because the way they say Jesus sounds like “he’s who?”.

Clay: Now that everyone knows that you’re pregnant we  should probably start thinking about the baby some more.

Clay’s Girlfriend: It’s right here(points to belly) I don’t need reminders.

Clay: Seriously, babe. We should start thinking about names, a nursery, if we’re going to raise it as a Jew or Christian, where you’re going to have it, and so forth.

Clay’s Girlfriend: I think you need to exault me on high like everyone else.

Clay: You’re beautiful.

Clay’s Girlfriend: You’re not.

Clay: That was heartless.

Clay’s Girlfriend: No. That was just rude. Heartless would be saying you have no future and no hope, but I only say that behind your back.

Clay’s Girlfriend: Why do people like me?

Clay: (jokingly) I don’t like you.

Clay’s Girlfriend: I don’t like you either, but I mean, like, people we don’t know.