http://crapmygirlfriendsays.tumblr.com/

Announcements

Mon, 14 Mar 2011 16:29:28 -0400

(At a family get together)

Clay: I have an announcement, it pertains to everyone.

Clay’s Girlfriend: You’re gay?

Births

Mon, 07 Mar 2011 20:22:03 -0500

Clay’s Girlfriend: Like, you know, white babies are born crying and Asian babies are born saying, “HERRO!”

Livestock

Fri, 04 Mar 2011 17:10:04 -0500

Clay’s Girlfriend: Why the hell does he want to raise cattle?

Clay: Because cows are worth a lot of money.

Clay’s Girlfriend: So are prostitues, does he want them grazing in his yard, too?

Fabreeze

Tue, 01 Mar 2011 20:45:08 -0500

Clay: I’m going to the store,need anything, babe?

Clay’s Girlfriend: Fabreeze. I’m tired of that burnt flesh smell that comes about when I burn one of those dead hookers.

Eating in excess

Sun, 27 Feb 2011 18:13:27 -0500

Clay’s Girlfriend: Is compulsive eating the only talent you possess?

Luckily

Tue, 22 Feb 2011 21:53:42 -0500

Friend: A real cowboy just came to the store!

Clay’s Girlfriend: Good thing you look just like a cow!

American way of life

Sat, 19 Feb 2011 16:38:39 -0500

Clay: It said that there’s like 4 hostages on that yacht.

Clay’s Girlfriend: This is America. If we aren’t hijacking planes we’re getting on hijacked yachts. It’s our way of life.

Sharing

Fri, 18 Feb 2011 16:04:17 -0500

(We ate lunch together, she got there before I did and already had a table, drinks, etc.)

Waitress: Do you need more silverware?

Clay’s Girlfriend: Nah, we’re going to share the same fork.

Her opinion

Thu, 17 Feb 2011 17:11:47 -0500

Clay’s Girlfriend: Oh my God, look at her.

Clay: You should stop judging people.

Clay’s Girlfriend: Well, she shouldn’t be weird in public if she doesn’t want my opinion.

When a show called Adolf Eichman a "Jew killing bastard"...

Wed, 16 Feb 2011 23:13:00 -0500

Clay’s Girlfriend: You start one major genocide and suddenly you’re a Jew killing bastard. Society these days.

Vehicles

Sun, 13 Feb 2011 12:35:00 -0500

Clay: We can take your car.

Clay’s Girlfriend: It’s out of gas.

Clay: Then what are we going to take?

Clay’s Girlfriend: Find two poles then put a box on them. Put me in the box and carry me in the box with the poles on your shoulders.

Weight loss

Thu, 10 Feb 2011 22:09:31 -0500

Her Friend: Well, you’ll do good. You worked your butt off.

Clay’s Girlfriend: Maybe you should start working yours off. Those pounds are only going to lose themselves by getting lost, trapped, and dying in your fat rolls.

Mail

Thu, 10 Feb 2011 21:09:31 -0500

Clay: (upon getting home from work) Did I get any mail, babe?

Clay’s Girlfriend: Nothing I haven’t read already.

The End of Age

Wed, 09 Feb 2011 21:26:58 -0500

(We were watching a show on TV about Armageddon and such)

Clay’s Girlfriend: What if the Seven Seals are actually just paper clips that fall off and God has to descend to look for them?

Clay: Then we’d be fucked?

Clay’s Girlfriend: No, it would mean that all along we feared the end of the world when really the end of the world is just a hard core search for paper clips.

My Struggle

Sat, 05 Feb 2011 21:31:00 -0500

Clay’s Girlfriend: So I was cleaning the house and it turns out we have more copies of Mein Kampf than religious objects in our home.

She disapproves of my driving in bad weather

Fri, 04 Feb 2011 15:34:00 -0500

Clay’s Girlfriend: Driving down the road in a totally fucked up Ford. Hydroplaning over the puddles we go screaming “oh my God!” .

Mexico

Wed, 02 Feb 2011 21:26:08 -0500

Clay’s Girlfriend: I used to think that Mexico was a Jewish country because the way they say Jesus sounds like “he’s who?”.

Bandwagon

Wed, 02 Feb 2011 17:55:26 -0500

Clay: Now that everyone knows that you’re pregnant we should probably start thinking about the baby some more.

Clay’s Girlfriend: It’s right here(points to belly) I don’t need reminders.

Clay: Seriously, babe. We should start thinking about names, a nursery, if we’re going to raise it as a Jew or Christian, where you’re going to have it, and so forth.

Clay’s Girlfriend: I think you need to exault me on high like everyone else.

It's an improvement

Mon, 31 Jan 2011 16:43:53 -0500

Clay: You’re beautiful.

Clay’s Girlfriend: You’re not.

Clay: That was heartless.

Clay’s Girlfriend: No. That was just rude. Heartless would be saying you have no future and no hope, but I only say that behind your back.

I don't like you.

Sun, 30 Jan 2011 13:11:27 -0500

Clay’s Girlfriend: Why do people like me?

Clay: (jokingly) I don’t like you.

Clay’s Girlfriend: I don’t like you either, but I mean, like, people we don’t know.